Digging Deep #3: Writing On My Mind

... this one really gets into the nitty gritty

What’s on my mind today? “On My Mind” is finally out in the world, loosed like an arrow from my bow, and I am thrilled for you to listen in its entirety. I have been thinking a lot about flies recently. Even a fly may cast a shadow, and I certainly have enough flies on my front porch to make some shade. It’s fly season in Los Angeles, and I’m feeling a lot like a fly these days. I’m buzzing around your feed, rubbing my little hands together, preening, making you notice me. Buzz buzz buzz, look at me. Maybe if I fly high enough I’ll cast a bigger shadow.

There I go again, waxing poetic on a Friday. That’s not what the people are here for, Theo! They’re here to read about your process, baby, if they’re really here at all. So that is what I will give you. But be warned – not only am I here to wax poetic, but eloquent as well. I am feeling quite languorous today and rather verbose in my spewage. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then scoot up your chair and lock in. If not, then be on your merry way, loser.

On Life Songs

To understand “On My Mind,” you must first understand a specific type of song that I like to call “life songs.” These songs do not necessarily have to encompass the entirety of a lifetime (though they often do), nor do the choruses have to change each time (but the best ones will). They do have to give you that overwhelming, full-body-chills feeling that comes with a greater understanding of the world and your place within it. For the purposes of this post, let’s focus on two of the best ones ever: “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell and “A Little Bit of Everything” by Dawes.

“Both Sides Now” is probably the best song ever written. It is timeless, heart-wrenchingly beautiful, and above all, it makes you consider how the passage of time can affect your universal consciousness. Each verse and chorus follows the same structure, but the scope expands – from clouds, to love, to life. Clouds are both “ice cream castles in the air” and “in my way”; love is both “the dizzy dancing way you feel” and “just another show.” And LIFE (all caps LIFE)? Life is “tears and fears and feeling proud” and “dreams and schemes and circus crowds”; life is your old friends telling you you’ve changed, and why shouldn’t they? Have clouds changed? Has love? Of course not – you have. Looking at everything and saying “I really don’t know [blank] at all” is accepting that childish uncertainty and rejecting that foolish adult confidence. It is welcoming these “illusions” as part of a greater whole, something both utterly incomprehensible and yet deeply ingrained in our bones. “Both Sides Now” is a perfect song because it makes you feel everything without giving you the instructions. God, I’m heated just thinking about it. 

“A Little Bit of Everything” is one of those songs that grows as you do. Dawes is that kind of band as well (I actually had a Twitter thread in college along the lines of: “Dawes fans be like”). Like “Both Sides Now,” the scope of the song expands and shifts as you listen to it, and each time Taylor Goldsmith sings “a little bit of everything,” it means something different. The first verse focuses on a man contemplating suicide, anchored by the repetition of “it’s the [something], it’s the [insert heartbreaking line].” This is where I initially got the idea to do a similar thing in “On My Mind” (it’s the…, it’s the…). 

The second verse moves to an older man at a buffet, recalling all the hard times in his life, but still “smiling and … holding out his plate.” He wants “a little bit of everything,” the bad and the good, “the biscuits and the beans.” The third verse and chorus make me tear up every single goddamn time I listen! A girl is planning her wedding, and she explains to her fiancé that what they have is so much more than “some stupid little ring.” It’s “the way you joke, the way you ache”; it’s “a little bit of everything.” The song shifts into juxtaposition, with “the matador and the bull,” “the suggested daily dosage,” and “the red moon when it’s full.” It is everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and all the more beautiful for it. 

A few years ago (2019, maybe?), I tried writing a life song of my own. I had just graduated college and I guess I thought I knew what the world was about. That song is called “Older Now,” and you can listen to it by clicking here. It’s not a bad song – in fact, it may even be a decent song – but it has a softness to it, no bite. Someone actually told me after a show that it sounded like I had written it to please my parents. Oof! That one stuck with me. The song moves through three somewhat different choruses, exploring 1) friendship, 2) family, and 3) myself. So what did it lack? Specificity, that wily, slippery beast that eludes even the greatest writers at times.

Writing On My Mind

Fast forward to June of 2023. I had been listening a lot to “A Long December” by Counting Crows (another song that evolves) and I was obsessed with both the rambling lyrics and the infectious “nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah” repeated hook at the end of the chorus. It was time to let myself ramble! In these two voice notes, you can hear me come up with what ended up becoming the intro guitar riff to “On My Mind” and attempting to figure out a post-chorus repetition.

6/27/2023 intro riff?

6/27/2023 hook mumbling

Often, writing a song can feel like making a sculpture out of marble. You start with a big ol’ block of stone, and only by chiseling away can you begin to see the shape within. I think some famous sculptor has a quote about this – something along the lines of “the figure is already inside the marble, it’s my job to reveal it” – but I can’t remember. Anyway, somewhere in my mumbles and mutters, I began to carve out the chorus to “On My Mind.” It began with the word “hospital,” and from there it was a logical next step to my grandma in the hospital (sadly, it’s been quite a year of that). There’s something futile in visiting a loved one in the hospital, but not so futile that you don’t do it. It’s the very act of making the effort that makes it worth your while. There! That was the linchpin, something to grab onto. Here are a few unabridged voice memos – if you are actually interested, you can listen all the way through, but basically I slowly hone in on what I’m trying to say. 

7/5/2023 figuring out chorus

7/5/2023 keep figuring out chorus

7/5/2023 please continue figuring out chorus

7/5/2023 he’s figuring out the chorus!

That chorus ended up becoming the 2nd chorus of the song, and only after finishing that chorus did I realize I was finally writing the life song that I had always wanted to write. By that logic, the first verse had to start with childhood. I had to figure out what I was trying to figure out back then – the whole song is just me figuring out what I needed to figure out, and figuring out how to fit all that figuring out into the lyrics. Eek. Terribly convoluted.

7/18/2023 early verse 1 + chorus 1, post chorus working

7/18/2023 verse 1 shaky, chorus 1 decent, post-chorus eh

chorus 1 lyrics with some lyrics i never used

I had opened for ROSIE on her Healing Tour in June of 2023 (if you don’t know ROSIE, you should – she’s dope, and her whole team is awesome), and we ended up staying at the same line of hotels the entire tour. Every day (ish), we’d wake up, drive 6-8 hours, do a show, then sleep in a hotel that looked almost exactly like the one from the night before. Some even had the same exact artwork. I popped an edible one night and came to this realization (Truman Show kind of moment). I wrote in my journal: “Same hotel, different town,” which of course ended up becoming “Different city, same hotel” (in verse 2 of “On My Mind”). In these three voice memos, you can hear me reasoning it out, and eventually locking in the 2nd verse. 

7/18/2023 verse 2 rough

7/20/2023 verse 2 solid

I came up with the entirety of the third verse on a car ride, a cappella. A cappella, baby! Maybe this is a nice time to mention I was in the Vanderbilt Melodores in college, an absolutely electric, all-male a cappella group. You can look us up on YouTube. But yeah, I wrote that puppy in total silence. I wanted the song to move through an entire lifetime, so if the first verse is childhood and the second is early adulthood, then the third should reflect some kind of wisdom. That’s what comes from the struggle (I hope!) – the maturation of a life well lived and knowing that you gave it your best shot.

7/23/2023 verse 3 good

The third chorus was the hardest part – how do you encapsulate everything you’ve tried to express? I played around with a bunch of different options, but in the end, it was the simple things that stuck (duh, I should have learned my lesson earlier). It was nice to add a nod to the first verse with “throwing out your arm to get that last strike in your final game.” Et voila! The song was done. 

Wrapping Up

I’m really, extraordinarily proud of this song. I put my whole Thussy into it (I’m sorry). I’m not so vain as to put it on nearly the same caliber as my favorite life songs, but if I’m lucky, it’ll stick with you for a good long while. Stay tuned this week for a deep dive into the recording process and production. Until then, stay golden, ponyboy.

 Reading Comprehension Group Discussion Questions

1. T. Kandel mentions “life songs” as a beloved archetype, and uses “Both Sides Now” and “A Little Bit of Everything” as examples. What are some other examples of life songs that you can think of?

2. Do you like T. Kandel’s “Older Now”? Why or why not?

3. Do you like melted butter on toasted bread?

4. Has this Substack gotten out of control???